MEANDERINGS OF AN UNSUPERVISED MIND

Once upon a time I heard some comedian somewhere (I truly can't remember who or when) say that they felt like they'd been left alone in their head with no adult supervision. I remember completely relating to that concept and being very relieved that I apparently was not the only one who felt that way. So much so that I have used that line often and I desperately wish I had made it up, and though I did not, it is exactly how I feel most of the time. I wonder how many people out there feel the same way. I mean sometimes I feel like that about just being out in the world too. Like I get this scared feeling of, "Oh my God, I am so inept and ill-equipped to make it out here all by myself, how am I going to pull this off?" Sort of like the feeling back in school when the teacher threw a pop quiz or test at you and caught you off gaurd or called on you in class even though you were doing your damndest not to catch eye contact. Now I realize that by admitting these things out loud that I run the risk of exposing some pretty raw vulnerabilities, but if I cannot do that here in the privacy of my blog page, well where the hell can I do it? I mean it's not a crippling fear or anything like that and deep down inside I truly believe that many people feel this way and I am not alone. For the most part if you saw me on the street or driving my car or something, you would never guess that inside my head I am wondering where the "adult in charge" is. It is more like this vague feeling of anxious anticipation one has when they just know that they have forgotten something but can't remember what it is. You know the feeling. Anyway, I've grown quite used to it and have managed to survive 48 years on this earth without harming anyone or myself too badly (at least as far as I know). But I have as yet to feel like I have really found my life's purpose, or my "true north" as Bob Proctor calls it. I wonder if when I do find my calling—and I am holding out hope that I will one day soon—if I will finally find some relief from that nagging feeling. God, I hope so. Meanwhile, deep inside the workings of my unsupervised brain the kids are running rampant with scissors in hand and suckers dangling from their little heathen lips. No rules apply for these critters and they are in short supply of any kind of manners, respect, or etiquette at all. Why they cause all sorts of distractions at the worst possible times, e.g., when trying to pay attention to people during long conversations or trying to remember someone’s name that I just met. Perhaps most aggravatingly they show their true talents at disruption when I try to meditate. But I refuse to let the little buggers win and will continue the quest of finding my “true north” in spite of my fears of incompetence, founded or not. I am trusting that the unknown comic and I are not the only ones trying to make the children in our heads calm down and behave while putting on the most mature and brave adult face we can muster up. If we are......NEVERMIND.